People never blame themselves for their lives being a mess. We always look for a person, thing, place, circumstance, reason, etc. to blame for our lives are fucked up. How about within us? Why don’t we try that?
I can blame myself for a lot of wrong things that I’ve done in my life. A lot of them. I choose to move on. Dwelling in the past is dwelling in death. I hurt to this day from a lot of decisions I’ve made. That doesn’t mean that I can’t stop looking at the road ahead.
If we get distracted looking back then we’re not moving forward. I realize that I’ve gone through a lot in my life. Maybe not as bad as some, but maybe worse than others. I just want to not blame anymore. I want to look within, but I find it hard to do.
Decisions that I’ve made when I was just a single-digit aged kid still hunt me today. I have scars, both emotional and physical, that prove my errors.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve done anything right so far. Have I? I know I’ve self-sabottaged myself plenty of times. I’ve procrastinated myself into nothingness a lot of times.
I’m a results person. I like to see results. I’m not a planner, nor an organizer. I’m a do now – think later person. Good or bad? I don’t care at this point.
One of the Buddhist-derived philosophies from my kung-fu Sifu is that “you are your own worse enemy.” How freaking true is that? It’s right on the money.
I fight with myself constantly, and knowing me, I’m a pretty difficult opponent. I know the moves I’m making. I try to stop them. I try to look for excuses of why it will not work. I hate myself sometimes.
Yet, I keep trying anyway. Ignoring all the negativity. Trying to become fluent. To go with the flow. To be hard, yet flexible. To enjoy hard work. To become addicted to determination. To embrace my ambition. To manage my drive.
I blame people for blaming other people. I blame me for blaming.