If you’re looking for the skinny on how to get fat, then you’ve come to the right place. Here are 10 excellent ways to get fat:
10. DRINK MORE SODA – The high-caloric intake of this deliciously refreshing beverage is one of the easiest way to get fat the easy way. I recommend grape soda for better results, but anything with high-fructose corn syrup should work.
9. EAT MORE CARBS – Carbs are a no-no when trying to lose weight, but if you want to get fat the fast way, then make sure you develop a taste for tasty french fries and potato chips. Jalapeño chips are my favorite! Make sure you get the big bag.
8. HATE VEGETABLES – Develop a hatred towards anything green, especially lettuce and broccoli. Also, don’t eat anything named “salad”, unless it’s potato or macaroni salad with plenty of mayonnaise.
7. DON’T GO TO THE GYM – When you cut out the gym completely from your life, not only will you save money, but you will also have more spare time to lay around and do nothing. This saves a lot of precious calories.
6. WATCH MAURY POVICH – There seems to be a direct correlation between people who watch Maury Povich and being fat. I’m about 80% accurate predicting who’s the father.
5. GOSSIP MORE – For some reason gossiping works well to get fat, especially if you do it while eating cheeseburgers.
4. BUY BIGGER CLOTHES – If your clothes don’t fit, then you must acquit. Buy pants a bigger size up, so that you can keep your goal in mind and get motivated to follow through.
3. BLAME A THYROID PROBLEM – This one is pretty easy. Just tell people you have a thyroid problem and that’s the reason you stuff your face with a gallon of ice cream every night.
2. BUY EQUIPMENT AND WORKOUT DVDS – Buy a treadmill and other random exercise equipment along with some workout DVDs from late-night infomercials and store them somewhere where you won’t use them.
1. LEARN FROM OPRAH – Billions of dollars have not helped Oprah lose weight. You can do the same without spending a dime! All you have to do is dream big!
PARK CLOSE TO THE FAST FOOD JOINT ENTRANCE – Drive around if you need to, but don’t burn calories by parking too far from Taco Bell.